JOKES

ENGLISH AS IT SHOULD BE SPOKEN ?

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study for ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staffed at the top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy.  Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.  Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.  This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.  Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful.  Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapened.  By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replacing 'th' by 'z'.  Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after at, half a 'w'.  Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be droped from words kontaining 'ou'.  Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proces yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensible ritin styl.  After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trublsm difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand each ozer.  Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finaly hav kum tru.







What's the difference between Heaven & Hell ?

In Heaven, the French are the Cooks, the Germans are the Mechanics, the British are the Police, the Italians are the Lovers and the Swiss are the Bankers.

In Hell, the French are the Mechanics, the Germans are the Police, the British are the Cooks, the Italians are the Bankers and the Swiss are the Lovers.